what it's like around here

BT JPX RMLX PCUV AMLX ICVJP IBTWXVR CI M LMT'R PMTN, MTN YVCJX CDXV MWMBTRJ JPX AMTNGXRJBAH UQCT JPX QGMRJXV CI JPX YMGG CI JPX HBTW'R QMGMAX; MTN JPX HBTW RMY JPX QMVJ CI JPX PMTN JPMJ YVCJX.

I used to tell myself I wasn't a nerd, I was just a geek. Geeks are infinitely less hopeless. As it turns out, when you spend 45 minutes on the couch deciphering the relatively simple but laborious monoalphabetic substitution cipher in the sentence above, you're actually a massive nerd.

Click on if you want to see our deciphering process, which was fairly methodic. Again, because we're nerds. Or, if you're like us, go ahead and unravel it without cheating.

And yes, we've been reading Cryptonomicon, WHY?

[Methodology N.B.: We reprinted the cipher-in-progress each time with the assumptions informing it above each layer of deciphering. We used lower case for the "plain" letters and left the cipher in upper case. Basically, given the frequency of JPX, we decided it might be "the" and started from there. We were proved happily correct.]

assuming JPX is the
J=t
P=h
X=e

BT the RMLe PCUV AMLe ICVth IBTWeVR CI M LMT'R hMTN, MTN YVCte CDeV MWMBTRt the AMTNGeRtBAH UQCT the QGMRKeV CI the YMGG CI the HBTW'R QMGMAe; MTN the HBTW RMY the QMtV CI the PMTN thMt YVCte.

MTN is and
M=a
T=n
N=d
B=i

in the RaLe PCUV AaLe ICVth IinWeVR CI a Lan'R hand, and YVCte CDeV aWaBnRt the AandGeRtiAH UQCn the QGaRKeV CI the YaGG CI the HinW'R QaGaAe; and the HinW RaY the QatV CI the hand that YVCte

R = s
L = m

in the same hCUV Aame ICVth IinWeVs CI a man's hand, and YVCte CDeV aWainst the AandGestiAH UQCn the QGasKeV CI the YaGG CI the HinW's QaGaAe; and the HinW saY the QatV CI the hand that YVCte

W = g

in the same hCUV Aame ICVth IingeVs CI a man's hand, and YVCte CDeV against the AandGestiAH UQCn the QGasKeV CI the YaGG CI the Hing's QaGaAe; and the Hing saY the QaVt CI the hand that YVCte

V = r

in the same hour Aame forth Iingers of a man's hand, and Yrote oDer against the AandGestiAH uQon the QGasKer of the YaGG of the Hing's QaGaAe; and the Hing saY the Qart of the hand that Yrote

C = o
U = u
I = f
G = l
A = c
Y = w
D = v
Q = p
H = k

in the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaster of the wall of the king's palace; and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote.

[We think this is perhaps something from Arabian Nights? Turns out it's from Daniel, in the bible. This is only the first full sentence of a full-page cipher, so we picked out words to help us decode the last five or so infrequent letters. The remaining decipherings are:

E = y
F = b
K = q
O = z
S = j
Z = x

you better watch out, you better not whine

Merry Christmas from our pack to yours.

this is the sound of settling

FYI, when you actually think to yourself, "I should have asked for a whole new sock wardrobe for Christmas", it's time to hang up the party hat and go home.

if it ain't broke, i guess

First segment in Friday night Grisly Murder Newsmagazine: "DEADLY EXCHANGE".
Second segment in Friday night Grisly Murder Newsmagazine: "DEADLY SUSPICION".

Ideas for segments left on the cutting room floor because they lacked a certain je ne sais quois:
DEADLY BREAKFAST ROLLS.
DEADLY WOODLAND CREATURES.
DEADLY BOWL OF SOUP.
DEADLY MOMENT OF APPRECIATION FOR THE TIRELESS SERVICE OF OUR TROOPS OVERSEAS.

Battle, or, A Silent Conversation I Had With My Dog This Morning

Nano: It's [jump] seven [jump] fifteen [jump] and [jump] I [jump] need [jump] to [jump] [jump] [jump] pee!
Me: mmmpppggghhhrrrpphhh.
Nano: [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [pace] [pace] [jump] [jump].
Me: If you sit quietly in your bed while I pet your head we can talk about this rationally.
Nano: Remember last night when you came home after adult conversation and beverages? And didn't take me out?
Krissa: To be fair, that was five hours ago. Hardly counts as a night.
Nano: I sleep sixteen hours a day. What's five hours. Anyway it's 7:15 as you were clearly informed by the full body shake I executed. What's the holdup?
Krissa: Mmmmppghgrrrpphh adult beverages!
Nano: I do not know the weakness of which you speak. I live on love and kibble alone.
Krissa: And a handy air of superiority.
Nano: Of course.
Stuart: Mmmmmppggrrrphhh!
Nano: Oh LOOK! Bigger Human is awake. He usually responds handily to the Full Body Shake Alarm. I will go pester him.
Stuart: ....
Nano: [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [small whine]
Krissa: It won't work, you know. It's my turn. Only I really think you should think about this. Look, here -
Nano: [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump]
Krissa: Honestly, what's the point of -
Nano: [jump] [jump] [jump] [jump] [whine] [jump] [jump]
Krissa: UNCLE.
Nano: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nano 3, Krissa 0. Stuart asleep.

parentage

Since we got nano, people have asked what sort of dog he is. We know for sure that he's got some chihuahua in there - the golden fur, the slightly domed head, the high curved tail. But he's taller and sleeker than most chis, and lacking the wide stance and buggy eyes.

As his confidence has grown, so has his energy. After walks, when his body is still cold and his metabolism is racing from the outdoors, he tears around the apartment playfully with his favorite toy, running from the couch! to the kitchen! to the couch! to the kitchen! And although he's not much of a jumper when it comes to people, he will jump like blazes for treats. I told Stuart a few weeks ago that maybe that mystery DNA is rat terrier or Jack Russell, because damn, dude can MOVE. I mean, REALLY MOVE.

Then I saw this and Stuart and I thought, wow, Italian Greyhound! When we found this dude, all doubt vanished, as that dog could pretty much double for nano. Italian Greyhound! Explains the temperament and the incredible speed.

And the cuteness. Obvs.

bah humbugged

I'm letting the little things get to me these days. Me! I'm sweating the small stuff with gusto. The thing that is bothering me the most isn't actually that my dog thought it'd be fun to eat a tiny corner of our beautiful living room rug, our priceless rug that's been in my family for a decade, THANKS, DOG.

Actually that's pretty bad, yeah, okay, that's the worst thing.

NO! It's not. It's that I've lost my Christmas spirit. It's like it rolled under the rug sometime in October and I didn't even notice, but here we are on December 6th, by which time most years I'm longingly dragging out the hot cocoa and the sparkly decorations, and I just don't care. I actually longed to be Jewish the other day so I'd have an excuse. I thought, we don't really need a tree this year. Or any hoopla at all.

And the thing is, it's not like I'm OKAY with this total grinchbug attitude. I'm not! Christmas is my favorite time of year. We just moved to this beautiful home, this home that's itching for garlanding and twinkling lights in the windows. What's wrong with me! But I look around at the living room and all I see is needles everywhere that my dog will eat, where do we put the tree because Nano's crate takes up half the room, man, lying down to water the damn thing? And we're too poor for a lot of presents anyway so the tree is going to be all depressingly bare underneath. Plus there's only two weeks left!

But this depresses me, all this niggling lazy grinching. I don't want to be a lazy grinch! I want to twirl through the snow with my baby and drink cider and listen to songs and wrap lights around the tree! Except that I'm broken! I am definitely broken. I have a beautiful house and a wonderful husband and dog and it's Christmas in New York! What's wrong with me. BROKEN.

I think perhaps the solution to this is some immersion shock therapy. I think I should meet Stuart after work in Union Square and look at all the pretty things in the holiday market and get some cider from Starbucks and buy ourselves a little, manageable potted tree and some fresh pine garland and come home and eat a warm dinner and decorate and listen to songs and connect. And resist the temptation to wrap nano in christmas lights.

Maybe that'll bring my Christmas spirit out of hiding. What do you think?

humanizing the system

Subway conductor, after a ten minute delay between the 14th and 8th Street stations: "This N is running local on the R line. It's going to take you a while to get to Brooklyn."

Subway conductor, after another six minutes between Prince and Canal: "We're pulling into Canal now, you can transfer upstairs for the Q which is running over the bridge. It's not the N but it'll get you to Brooklyn faster, so that's what you should do."

Pause.

"... I know I would."